Не Забывать О Себе / Remembering Myself
Jan. 3rd, 2026 11:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fox_in_me
📝 Оригинальный текст записи
Приветствую вас, дорогие читатели.
С радостью прерываю это время тишины. Сегодня я хочу поделиться не историей из далёкого прошлого, а своими размышлениями. Возможно, кому-то они покажутся знакомыми, а кому-то помогут выбрать более подходящий путь.
Новый год — именно полночь этого года — ясно показал мне, насколько сильно я потерял себя.
Читая мои записи, можно заметить: помогать другим, отдавать часть себя — это мой образ жизни. Позже я обязательно расскажу несколько зимних историй о том, как я помогал людям и в итоге оказывался под подозрением полиции или просто в убытке. Но всему своё время. Сейчас — о другом.
В эту новогоднюю ночь поздравительных сообщений было немного. Круг общения стал ещё меньше. Но я получил несколько писем с благодарностью за мою «человечность» — от людей, которых могу назвать своими. Людей, за которых я несу ответственность, для которых я командир, пока нахожусь на службе. Это одно из немногого, что до сих пор даёт мне силы делать то, что я должен.
Мне хорошо известно: руководство одновременно и опасается меня, и держит на расстоянии от принятия глобальных решений (в том числе по моей инициативе). И в то же время люди стремятся перейти в моё подчинение, несмотря на то, что в последние месяцы видели меня истощённым — морально и физически.
О физическом скажу кратко: мой невротический кашель стал причиной обращения к профильным врачам. В военном госпитале все проходят процедуру выявления ПТСР. Я не скрываю его наличие у себя и понимаю, что официальное подтверждение может повлечь за собой последствия. Из моего опыта работы с людьми, действительно пострадавшими от войны, я знаю: волшебного лекарства не существует. Есть медикаменты, которые снимают симптомы, но не лечат душу.
Почти четыре года я отдавал себя этой службе — этой «работе», как ни назови. Много раз выгорал, снова и снова отдавая себя людям — разным, в том числе близким.
В новогоднюю ночь я читал письма людей из разных стран. В них говорилось о важности помогать другим, уметь прощать, ставить цели — и не забывать о себе, о личных ориентирах.
Как и в прошлом году, так и в этом, первая моя задача — выжить. Это не громкие слова, а реальность. Мне хочется путешествовать, строить планы, мечтать. Сейчас я связан обстоятельствами и могу лишь мечтать. Но мечты, как и сердце, могут быть разбиты одним-единственным словом.
Я открывался людям полностью, без границ. В ответ часто получал обесценивание и непонимание. Это привело к внутреннему обнулению.
Несколько дней назад я вытянул предсказание из маленького горшочка. Там было написано: «Не сдавайся. Ты точно не проиграешь». Я хотел бы отнести эти слова к борьбе за одного очень дорогого мне человека. Но вдруг понял — а когда я в последний раз боролся за себя? Не за жизнь, а именно за себя.
В последние дни уходящего года я был открыт и честен, признал свою неидеальность — с ошибками, через усилия. Итог прост: сейчас я снова один, как и много лет подряд. Иногда жизни не хватает, чтобы понять человека, а иногда достаточно совсем немного времени.
Я знаю, что за семь лет меня так и не узнали настоящего. А знаю ли я сам себя?
Я помню себя другим: как ходил один на танцы, как любил сидеть в баре на берегу моря, слушать музыку, бегать вдоль побережья, открывать новое — без планов и календарей, просто по щелчку пальцев.
Именно в этом, возможно, главный смысл для читателя: я был самодостаточным. Я знаю людей, которым был интересен, не имея за душой ни гроша — просто потому, какой я есть.
Когда-то у меня была сила жить без границ. Сейчас, стерев собственные границы, я позволил обесценить себя.
Моя поездка в горы на машине была спонтанной и безумной. Формально — чтобы помочь не себе. Но вселенная дала понять: в итоге я помог и себе.
У меня есть два кота. Они, как люди, продолжают меня обнимать — не потому, что соскучились, а потому что чувствуют меня.
Я хотел оставить прошлое в уходящем году и в новом строить будущее. План остался, изменилось его наполнение. Мне нужно отстроить себя заново. Восстать из пепла.
Я почувствовал зиму в горах: снег, камин, чай с костра, отношение людей к военным — значительно более уважительное на западе Украины, чем на юге и в прифронтовых районах. Я побыл какое-то время без зависимости от электричества. Возвращаясь последние двести километров, ехал в полной темноте — туман и свет фар. И возвращался из мест, где горят гирлянды, украшены ёлки и живёт атмосфера праздника.
К чему всё это? Не забывайте о себе.
Мой отпуск продлится ещё неделю. Мне хотелось бы успеть многое, но в первую очередь — восстановить себя. Возможно, я пишу немного размыто, но между строк смысл ясен.
Не забывайте о себе.
Часто говорят, что кроме семьи никто не поможет. В моём случае я помогаю себе сам. Родственники, к сожалению, лишь тянут вниз.
А пока — я просто обнимаю своих котов.
Note translated in assistance with AI.
I’m glad to break this time of silence. Today I want to share not a story from the distant past, but my reflections. Some of them may feel familiar to you, and for others they might help in choosing a more fitting path.
The New Year — that exact moment of midnight — made it painfully clear how much I have lost myself.
If you read my previous entries, you may notice that helping others, giving away parts of myself, has always been my way of life. I will later tell winter stories about how I helped people and ended up under police suspicion or simply at a loss. But that will come in time. Now, about something else.
This New Year’s night, there were not many messages of congratulations. My social circle has become even smaller. Yet I received a few messages of gratitude for my “humanity” — from people I can truly call my own. People I am responsible for, people for whom I am a commander while I am in service. This is one of the few things that still gives me strength to do what I must.
I know well that the leadership both fears me and keeps me at a distance from major decisions — partly by my own choice. At the same time, people still try to transfer under my command, even though they have seen me exhausted in recent months, both mentally and physically.
As for the physical side: my neurotic cough led me to specialized doctors. In a military hospital, everyone goes through PTSD screening. I do not hide that I have it, and I understand that official confirmation can bring further consequences. From my experience working with people truly affected by war, I know there is no miracle cure. Medication can ease symptoms, but it does not heal the soul.
For almost four years I have given myself to this service — this “work,” whatever you call it. I burned out many times, giving myself again and again to people, different people, including those close to me.
On New Year’s night I read letters from people in different countries. They spoke about the importance of helping others, forgiving, setting goals — and not forgetting about yourself.
Just like last year, my first goal this year is simply to survive. These are not loud words, but reality. I want to travel, to plan, to dream. Right now I am bound by circumstances and can only dream. And dreams, like the heart, can be broken by a single word.
I opened myself to people completely, without boundaries. In return, I often received devaluation and misunderstanding. This led to an inner emptiness.
A few days ago, I drew a small fortune from a pot. It said: “Don’t give up. You will definitely not lose.” I wanted to apply this to my wish to fight for one very precious person in my life. But then I realized — when was the last time I fought for myself? Not for my life, but for myself.
In the final days of the year, I was open and honest, admitted my imperfections, my mistakes, through effort and vulnerability. The result is simple: I am alone again, as I have been for many years. Sometimes a lifetime is not enough to understand a person, and sometimes only a short time is needed.
I know that for seven years I was never truly known. And do I know myself?
I remember who I was: going to dance classes alone, spending time in a bar by the sea, listening to music, running along the coastline, discovering new things — without plans or calendars, just on a whim.
Perhaps this is the key thought for the reader: I was self-sufficient. I know people who found me interesting when I had nothing at all — simply because of who I was.
I once had the strength to live without boundaries. Now, having erased my own boundaries, I allowed myself to be devalued.
My trip to the mountains by car was spontaneous and a little mad. Officially, it was to help others, not myself. But the universe made it clear that in the end, I helped myself too.
I have two cats. They hug me like people do — not because they miss me, but because they feel me.
I wanted to leave the past in the old year and build my future in the new one. The plan remains, but its content has changed. I need to rebuild myself. To rise from the ashes.
I felt winter in the mountains: snow, a fireplace, tea from a campfire, and the way people treat the military — much more respectfully in western Ukraine than in the south and frontline regions. I spent some time without dependence on electricity. On the way back, the last two hundred kilometers were complete darkness — fog and headlights only. And I returned from places filled with lights, decorated trees, and a sense of celebration.
Why am I saying all this? Don’t forget about yourself.
My leave will last one more week. I would like to do many things, but first of all — to restore myself. Perhaps my words are a bit vague, but the meaning between the lines is clear.
Don’t forget about yourself.
People often say that no one will help you except family. In my case, I help myself. Unfortunately, relatives only pull me further down.
And for now — I simply hug my cats.
Tags:
426. VOICETEAM'S FAN IN THE MIRROR.
Jan. 4th, 2026 09:10 ampeakedI decided to go full meta and record this post. Felt cute, audio may end up deleted later!
This is for![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
voiceteam Mystery Box 2025's Fan in the Mirror challenge, which says: Review what you've achieved in the past 12 months and write a blog post/meta roundup of at least 500 words, discussing the fanworks you created, what you were proud of, where you'd like to be next year, and what you'd like to do next year. This can discuss any kind of fanwork created, but it should spend significant time on audio fanworks—new podficcers who don't have audio fanworks to reflect on from this year can still write about audio fanwork goals for next year!
I apparently posted 128 works during 2025, with 66 of them being podfic. Wow. Who knew I'd ever post that much podfic? Whoever predicted I would podfic?
Most, if not all, of this work was for an exchange or challenge. I really miss writing for myself. I finally updated the last piece of one of my WIPs. I was avoiding updating you came back as the underdog (Wanda/Bucky) for three years because I really loved this story and I didn't want to say goodbye to it. I posted the last bonus piece a few days ago (and now I hope to record chapters for myself so I can go back and tighten up the writing). I feel like my fannish identity is one that I'd like to reclaim again, if that makes sense. I miss writing. I miss the obsessive need to write a story. I miss how I used to feel in the honeymoon of exchanges. (I miss getting comments, but I've never been one to get a lot of comments, but I feel like it hurts less when I'm not comparing myself to Writer B who wrote the same fandom/ship as me in an exchange. This is a whole other kettle of fish, I think.)
My goals for 2026 include:
One piece of advice I've seen and heard about writing is that it's beneficial to read your work aloud. I used to scoff at this because I never wanted to read my words aloud. Ever since I started embracing podfic—and even making it—I have learned so much about writing that's been beneficial to me.
Podficcing did bring up a lot of really cruel insecurities within me. I feel like I don't say things properly. I feel like I read too fast. I feel like some words blend together and you have no idea what I'm saying. My accent is shit! (Somehow the Aussie accent was one of the most attractive in the world? What the fuck are people on? LOL.) I had an (non-Aussie) ex-friend comment about how I didn't pronounce things correctly (I'm Aussie, mate). There are words that I just suck at saying. I'm not very good (at the moment—positivity!) at accents or speaking words from other languages. It was a whole new skill, and a perfectionist like me (who is also self-conscious!) really struggled with it at first. (I won't lie, my first Voiceteam Mystery Box was really rough that I ended up crying because of all the comparisons I was making with other people who have different accents LOL.)
My inner voice that reads quietly is perfect at accents (or "accents"). The words I don't know how to pronounce sound so posh and correct in my head. There are phrases that make sense when you read them quietly that are absolutely atrocious when you read them aloud. I've learned that fragmented sentences are an absolute nightmare (please, writers, stop doing this and write proper sentences). Run on sentences are a monster that need to be put down. (Use full stops! Less commas!) I've also learned that dialogue tags need to be clear, clean and used! I've read works where I have no idea who's speaking so I make an assumption based on the information I have.
There are some words I cannot say together. "One another" sucks for me. The way words feel in my mouth is obviously so different to how they feel in my head. I've realised that some description is too much, and it doesn't allow me as a reader to really embrace the emotion that I need because it overkills it. Sometimes I find some description is too little, and I literally have no idea what's going on. When people write dialogue interruptions, having narration before the dialogue that interrupts the interrupted dialogue breaks momentum. Some writers give the character too many things to do in a second—scoff, shrug, huff. It's hard to read! I've been taking a lot of this into consideration when I write now.
I feel like I have a good approach to reading. I try to read long sentences slower, unless I feel the pace is frantic. I try to read short sentences faster. I try to look at where the big, dramatic breaks need to be. I try to break up those long run-on sentences because, honestly, they need a bloody pause sometimes. I try to embrace the emotion a character is feeling, so if someone gasps, I try to gasp. If someone mutters, well… I don't really mutter, but I try to be softer. (I'm trying to figure out character voices.) I try to get into my reading in a way that entertains me as a reader, because if I'm not entertained, then why am I reading?
When I listen to podfic about my own stories (and read them for podfic), I hear the words that are too closely used together. I remember listening to a fabulous podfic about one of my works and a comment I said aloud was "Too many people are smiling". Another one was "Why is this character shrugging so much?" One in particular that I remember listening to while walking had me muttering, "Jesus, she's furrowing her brows a lot". (I remember the exact fic, too.)
One of the greatest lessons I've learned from podfic is that you have to trust the reader to understand what you're putting down. This is something I've been told numerous times during my writing course theory. Trust the reader. Give them just enough information, but trust them to make the conclusions. I've received podfics where I've listened to the reader and gone "They got it. I did my job." There is nothing more rewarding than listening to your work and hearing someone who never existed in your head, who never spoke to you about your work, and who never knew what your intentions were actually understand what you intended. This could be how I wrote a character, how I wanted a character to say a specific line, or just a work in general. (Sometimes people pick up on what I hadn't realised I had intended, or can't articulate as an intention. Sometimes I just write shit with no intention at all!)
I've also learned that sometimes some words don't mean the same to me as they do to someone else (hahahaha HAHAHA). We all come to the written word with our own experiences and baggage (and, as I've learned from talking to some people who speak other languages, your understanding of your own language. English is so fucked). I sometimes use words that aren't correct (they sure feel correct, haha).
I've had some people read my works in a way I hadn't intended or thought about. That doesn't mean they're wrong! It could mean that I didn't do my job as the author. It could mean that I had unintentionally written something that conveyed something else entirely. It could mean that the reader has brought their own experiences and perspective to my piece that I hadn't considered. I've never really had anyone miss the point of a work, or read it in a way that's made me go "You got that from my work?" It's always been "Oo, they understood what I wanted to achieve with that piece of dialogue!" or "Ooh, I didn't think about interpreting this this way".
There are a lot of talented readers in fandom who I wish fandom would appreciate a lot more. Podficcing is a lot of work (contrary to what some people believe!). My first Voiceteam Mystery Box team in 2024 encouraged me to listen to podfic I received several years ago that I avoided listening to because I felt ✨perceived✨, and I learned so much about a story I loved so much. It's another way to participate in fandom and appreciate something you love. Podficcers don't ask me to pay them to create a comic of a work that they apparently feel so inspired by and have ideas for… so they're good eggs in my carton.
I sometimes find listening to podfic to be an uncomfortable experience, although that discomfort only lasts a few seconds. Why is it uncomfortable for me? Because I feel perceived. A podfic is evidence that a real person has read my work. A fourth wall is created when you're interacting with a username. (It's why we sometimes forget we're dealing with real people.) I'm someone who's always been private about my creative endeavours and love for writing (until 2025, whoo! Character growth!). Writing is an act of vulnerability for me, and when I publish it, it is yet another act of vulnerability. I also realised over the last two years that podficcing was also a vulnerable act, too. (That's probably why I had a whole meltdown over insecurities, lol.) No matter how someone interacts with my work, they are interacting with a piece of me that I have put out there for their hands—or voice—to touch. It's something that I hope becomes easier over time. I'm very glad that I was encouraged to listen to podfic about my work, because I got to experience the stories all over again through someone who, I hope, really enjoyed the work in the first place and that's why they podded it.
I'm really grateful to that one person who encouraged me during a Snowflake Challenge prompt to give podfic a go, because there was so much to learn from it. There is. I benefit as a writer and a reader—and I feel like I could potentially take the plunge this year to try to learn how to do accents. :)
I didn't really have any intentions for how I wanted to format this post. I wanted to end on this note, though. When I started receiving requests to approve podfic links to my works, I thought everyone got podfic. When I realised that this was not the case, I felt so overwhelmed and privileged that someone felt the desire to interact with my work. And now that I've podficced myself, to know that someone may have sat for a few hours recording and recording, soundscaping, fixing errors, rerecording (hello, my life of saying the wrong word!), etc. means a lot. I often feel greedy during Voiceteam or Battleship when I say I want podfic of my works, but I do! And now that I know a little bit more about this pocket of fandom, I hope that me saying I want podfic of my works isn't seen as me being greedy or wanting to take away from others, but me saying "Hey, I'm one of those writers who likes podfic!" I hope that the people who have podficced and will podfic my works do so because they love the works as much as I do (and love the works I fail(ed) to love, but have gotten to appreciate through someone who challenges me to be proud of it because it's something they deem is worth liking).
Anyway, to wrap up: I hope 2026 is the year where I write a lot more for myself, because I feel like if I write a lot more for myself, maybe I can attract more podficcers with honey (aka the works that I really, really love, and wrote because I wanted to write them) and I will feel happier and more fulfilled and stop worrying about how my work is performing against someone else. I like exchanges, but I miss treating me with gifts.
This is for
voiceteam Mystery Box 2025's Fan in the Mirror challenge, which says: Review what you've achieved in the past 12 months and write a blog post/meta roundup of at least 500 words, discussing the fanworks you created, what you were proud of, where you'd like to be next year, and what you'd like to do next year. This can discuss any kind of fanwork created, but it should spend significant time on audio fanworks—new podficcers who don't have audio fanworks to reflect on from this year can still write about audio fanwork goals for next year!I apparently posted 128 works during 2025, with 66 of them being podfic. Wow. Who knew I'd ever post that much podfic? Whoever predicted I would podfic?
Most, if not all, of this work was for an exchange or challenge. I really miss writing for myself. I finally updated the last piece of one of my WIPs. I was avoiding updating you came back as the underdog (Wanda/Bucky) for three years because I really loved this story and I didn't want to say goodbye to it. I posted the last bonus piece a few days ago (and now I hope to record chapters for myself so I can go back and tighten up the writing). I feel like my fannish identity is one that I'd like to reclaim again, if that makes sense. I miss writing. I miss the obsessive need to write a story. I miss how I used to feel in the honeymoon of exchanges. (I miss getting comments, but I've never been one to get a lot of comments, but I feel like it hurts less when I'm not comparing myself to Writer B who wrote the same fandom/ship as me in an exchange. This is a whole other kettle of fish, I think.)
My goals for 2026 include:
- Only participate in the exchanges/challenges I want to participate in. FOMO can get lost. While I enjoy exchanges a lot, I've felt burnt out and unmotivated over the last two years. I sometimes feel like it's not worth participating, because I can spend a lot of time on a piece and get really no traffic at all (including no acknowledgement from the recipient, which is burning me out). I know that's the life of a creative, but it's bummed me out when I'm surrounded by chatter about other stories that people enjoyed. (Yuletide remains so rough for me thanks to this!)
- I miss writing stories for myself, so I want to return to that. I want to be obsessed! I want to write self-indulgent shit for ME! I'm my best recipient and I feel like I've been neglecting her a lot. I have half-cracked ideas floating around in my head—and have had some of them for years—and I want to put more time into those because I want to see them written.
- I want to only create for fandoms/ships that I want to create for. This is more or less for podfic. There are some fandoms and ships on my profile that don't really represent my interests, but I participated in multivoices or challenges because 1) I wanted to be involved in a group thing and have fun and 2) for a friend. I suspect I'll never completely get away with only participating in projects that are of my fandoms/ships (and even fic that's more to my tastes) and I'm fine with this because what matters to me, especially when it comes to podfic, is that I have fun (especially since it's not a highly engaged with piece of fanwork, so having fun with people is my top priority and makes creating podfic worth it for me), but I'd like to be more mindful moving forward about what projects I take on. (Again, let FOMO exist.)
- I do hope I continue to make podfic. There are so many benefits to reading stories aloud and having my stories read. I want to talk about that below.
One piece of advice I've seen and heard about writing is that it's beneficial to read your work aloud. I used to scoff at this because I never wanted to read my words aloud. Ever since I started embracing podfic—and even making it—I have learned so much about writing that's been beneficial to me.
Podficcing did bring up a lot of really cruel insecurities within me. I feel like I don't say things properly. I feel like I read too fast. I feel like some words blend together and you have no idea what I'm saying. My accent is shit! (Somehow the Aussie accent was one of the most attractive in the world? What the fuck are people on? LOL.) I had an (non-Aussie) ex-friend comment about how I didn't pronounce things correctly (I'm Aussie, mate). There are words that I just suck at saying. I'm not very good (at the moment—positivity!) at accents or speaking words from other languages. It was a whole new skill, and a perfectionist like me (who is also self-conscious!) really struggled with it at first. (I won't lie, my first Voiceteam Mystery Box was really rough that I ended up crying because of all the comparisons I was making with other people who have different accents LOL.)
My inner voice that reads quietly is perfect at accents (or "accents"). The words I don't know how to pronounce sound so posh and correct in my head. There are phrases that make sense when you read them quietly that are absolutely atrocious when you read them aloud. I've learned that fragmented sentences are an absolute nightmare (please, writers, stop doing this and write proper sentences). Run on sentences are a monster that need to be put down. (Use full stops! Less commas!) I've also learned that dialogue tags need to be clear, clean and used! I've read works where I have no idea who's speaking so I make an assumption based on the information I have.
There are some words I cannot say together. "One another" sucks for me. The way words feel in my mouth is obviously so different to how they feel in my head. I've realised that some description is too much, and it doesn't allow me as a reader to really embrace the emotion that I need because it overkills it. Sometimes I find some description is too little, and I literally have no idea what's going on. When people write dialogue interruptions, having narration before the dialogue that interrupts the interrupted dialogue breaks momentum. Some writers give the character too many things to do in a second—scoff, shrug, huff. It's hard to read! I've been taking a lot of this into consideration when I write now.
I feel like I have a good approach to reading. I try to read long sentences slower, unless I feel the pace is frantic. I try to read short sentences faster. I try to look at where the big, dramatic breaks need to be. I try to break up those long run-on sentences because, honestly, they need a bloody pause sometimes. I try to embrace the emotion a character is feeling, so if someone gasps, I try to gasp. If someone mutters, well… I don't really mutter, but I try to be softer. (I'm trying to figure out character voices.) I try to get into my reading in a way that entertains me as a reader, because if I'm not entertained, then why am I reading?
When I listen to podfic about my own stories (and read them for podfic), I hear the words that are too closely used together. I remember listening to a fabulous podfic about one of my works and a comment I said aloud was "Too many people are smiling". Another one was "Why is this character shrugging so much?" One in particular that I remember listening to while walking had me muttering, "Jesus, she's furrowing her brows a lot". (I remember the exact fic, too.)
One of the greatest lessons I've learned from podfic is that you have to trust the reader to understand what you're putting down. This is something I've been told numerous times during my writing course theory. Trust the reader. Give them just enough information, but trust them to make the conclusions. I've received podfics where I've listened to the reader and gone "They got it. I did my job." There is nothing more rewarding than listening to your work and hearing someone who never existed in your head, who never spoke to you about your work, and who never knew what your intentions were actually understand what you intended. This could be how I wrote a character, how I wanted a character to say a specific line, or just a work in general. (Sometimes people pick up on what I hadn't realised I had intended, or can't articulate as an intention. Sometimes I just write shit with no intention at all!)
I've also learned that sometimes some words don't mean the same to me as they do to someone else (hahahaha HAHAHA). We all come to the written word with our own experiences and baggage (and, as I've learned from talking to some people who speak other languages, your understanding of your own language. English is so fucked). I sometimes use words that aren't correct (they sure feel correct, haha).
I've had some people read my works in a way I hadn't intended or thought about. That doesn't mean they're wrong! It could mean that I didn't do my job as the author. It could mean that I had unintentionally written something that conveyed something else entirely. It could mean that the reader has brought their own experiences and perspective to my piece that I hadn't considered. I've never really had anyone miss the point of a work, or read it in a way that's made me go "You got that from my work?" It's always been "Oo, they understood what I wanted to achieve with that piece of dialogue!" or "Ooh, I didn't think about interpreting this this way".
There are a lot of talented readers in fandom who I wish fandom would appreciate a lot more. Podficcing is a lot of work (contrary to what some people believe!). My first Voiceteam Mystery Box team in 2024 encouraged me to listen to podfic I received several years ago that I avoided listening to because I felt ✨perceived✨, and I learned so much about a story I loved so much. It's another way to participate in fandom and appreciate something you love. Podficcers don't ask me to pay them to create a comic of a work that they apparently feel so inspired by and have ideas for… so they're good eggs in my carton.
I sometimes find listening to podfic to be an uncomfortable experience, although that discomfort only lasts a few seconds. Why is it uncomfortable for me? Because I feel perceived. A podfic is evidence that a real person has read my work. A fourth wall is created when you're interacting with a username. (It's why we sometimes forget we're dealing with real people.) I'm someone who's always been private about my creative endeavours and love for writing (until 2025, whoo! Character growth!). Writing is an act of vulnerability for me, and when I publish it, it is yet another act of vulnerability. I also realised over the last two years that podficcing was also a vulnerable act, too. (That's probably why I had a whole meltdown over insecurities, lol.) No matter how someone interacts with my work, they are interacting with a piece of me that I have put out there for their hands—or voice—to touch. It's something that I hope becomes easier over time. I'm very glad that I was encouraged to listen to podfic about my work, because I got to experience the stories all over again through someone who, I hope, really enjoyed the work in the first place and that's why they podded it.
I'm really grateful to that one person who encouraged me during a Snowflake Challenge prompt to give podfic a go, because there was so much to learn from it. There is. I benefit as a writer and a reader—and I feel like I could potentially take the plunge this year to try to learn how to do accents. :)
I didn't really have any intentions for how I wanted to format this post. I wanted to end on this note, though. When I started receiving requests to approve podfic links to my works, I thought everyone got podfic. When I realised that this was not the case, I felt so overwhelmed and privileged that someone felt the desire to interact with my work. And now that I've podficced myself, to know that someone may have sat for a few hours recording and recording, soundscaping, fixing errors, rerecording (hello, my life of saying the wrong word!), etc. means a lot. I often feel greedy during Voiceteam or Battleship when I say I want podfic of my works, but I do! And now that I know a little bit more about this pocket of fandom, I hope that me saying I want podfic of my works isn't seen as me being greedy or wanting to take away from others, but me saying "Hey, I'm one of those writers who likes podfic!" I hope that the people who have podficced and will podfic my works do so because they love the works as much as I do (and love the works I fail(ed) to love, but have gotten to appreciate through someone who challenges me to be proud of it because it's something they deem is worth liking).
Anyway, to wrap up: I hope 2026 is the year where I write a lot more for myself, because I feel like if I write a lot more for myself, maybe I can attract more podficcers with honey (aka the works that I really, really love, and wrote because I wanted to write them) and I will feel happier and more fulfilled and stop worrying about how my work is performing against someone else. I like exchanges, but I miss treating me with gifts.
Heated Rivalry Icons
Jan. 3rd, 2026 04:21 pmflareonfury posting in fandom_iconsMost of these were created for lgbtrainbow challenge.
[03] Ilya Rozanov
[08] Ilya/Shane
[02] Kip/Scott
[02] Scott Hunter
Preview:
see them here
lgbtrainbow challenge.[03] Ilya Rozanov
[08] Ilya/Shane
[02] Kip/Scott
[02] Scott Hunter
Preview:
see them here
Snowflake Challenge 02026 #02: Pets
Jan. 3rd, 2026 12:28 pmsilveradeptThe snowflake_challenge has posted prompt #2, and this time, they're definitely asking for something that will get a lot of people stopping by to say hello, in hopes that people might use the (somewhat limited) amount of image hosting that Dreamwidth has, if they have an account that has access to the image hosting.
( Pets, in all their forms )
So that's the extended riff about pets in fandom. Hopefully there's something there that you find interesting, or that you want to chase up or find more detail with. If not, have a good time exploring the other entries in the challenge for this time around, and we'll see you back in a couple days.
snowflake_challenge has posted prompt #2, and this time, they're definitely asking for something that will get a lot of people stopping by to say hello, in hopes that people might use the (somewhat limited) amount of image hosting that Dreamwidth has, if they have an account that has access to the image hosting.Challenge #2: Pets of Fandom
Loosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
( Pets, in all their forms )
So that's the extended riff about pets in fandom. Hopefully there's something there that you find interesting, or that you want to chase up or find more detail with. If not, have a good time exploring the other entries in the challenge for this time around, and we'll see you back in a couple days.
I said what what in the book you want to eyeball my book yes my book
Jan. 3rd, 2026 02:56 pmgrimmrowSo, I have two books from the library right now. Already finished one of them, now I'm reading number 2, which is all the girls I've been by Tess Sharpe. The first one was Nineteen Steps by Millie Bobby Brown. Not a bad read, I thoroughly enjoyed it even though I could figure out what was happening a lot of the time.
I now have O.T five days a week with stands, and P.T three days a week with stands. Long as my hip doesn't hurt like it has been, I'll be able tod o this pain free.
I need to start exercising 2 hours a day through the morning, noon and evening. Meaning break up 2 hours between those times. It's just so hard. I wish I could walk and do leg presses but I can't unfortunately.
Anyway, that's all I've got to say for now. I recommend Nineteen Steps if you like Wartime romance, sibling bonds and world war 2 stories especially settled in places other than America.
I now have O.T five days a week with stands, and P.T three days a week with stands. Long as my hip doesn't hurt like it has been, I'll be able tod o this pain free.
I need to start exercising 2 hours a day through the morning, noon and evening. Meaning break up 2 hours between those times. It's just so hard. I wish I could walk and do leg presses but I can't unfortunately.
Anyway, that's all I've got to say for now. I recommend Nineteen Steps if you like Wartime romance, sibling bonds and world war 2 stories especially settled in places other than America.
Snowflake Challenge 2026 #2
Jan. 3rd, 2026 07:32 pmbedesChallenge #2
Pets of Fandom: Loosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
This is the perfect opportunity to talk about something I have spent far too much of my life thinking about... If I had a Pokemon, what Pokemon would I have? As I have always thought that, if I was in the Pokemon world, certainly I wouldn't be a battler. Any Pokemon I had would be my companions! Pet Pokemon!
For those not aware, my favorite Pokemon is Celebi, with Zorua following close behind... but, I don't think either would be my partner. Celebi is, of course, a mythical Pokemon. I think that, if given the opportunity to, I wouldn't want to capture a mythical Pokemon in-universe. It would feel disrespectful, you know? Especially since Celebi is something as important as the protector of forests and time! And, as fun as Zorua's shapeshifting is in concept, I would find it to be rather difficult to manage in real life.
I believe that my partner Pokemon would be one of my other favorites: Sylveon! It actually seems like a perfect service Pokemon. As stated in its Pokedex entries, it likes to wrap its feelers around its Trainer's arm, and walk with them. These feelers can also emit a calming aura, and can be used to read its Trainer's emotions. It's also a surprisingly large Pokemon (please see its official life-sized plushie, pictured below), which is great, because I love big pets the most!
I have pets in real life, as well! I have 3 dogs in my household, one of which is my own. My dog is named Sammy! He is my beloved, retired service dog. He's a rescue mutt, and is the sweetest guy ever. I love him so much, it makes me feel like exploding!!! He's pictured in his Christmas vest below. Isn't he handsome?
Check-In Post - Jan 3rd 2026
Jan. 3rd, 2026 07:33 pmbadly_knitted posting in get_knittedHello to all members, passers-by, curious onlookers, and shy lurkers, and welcome to our regular daily check-in post. Just leave a comment below to let us know how your current projects are progressing, or even if they're not.
Checking in is NOT compulsory, check in as often or as seldom as you want, this community isn't about pressure it's about encouragement, motivation, and support. Crafting is meant to be fun, and what's more fun than sharing achievements and seeing the wonderful things everyone else is creating?
There may also occasionally be questions, but again you don't have to answer them, they're just a way of getting to know each other a bit better.
This Week's Question: What are your crafting goals for 2026?
If anyone has any questions of their own about the community, or suggestions for tags, questions to be asked on the check-in posts, or if anyone is interested in playing check-in host for a week here on the community, which would entail putting up the daily check-in posts and responding to comments, go to the Questions & Suggestions post and leave a comment.
I now declare this Check-In OPEN!
Not a Fuckton of Cats: Pets in Canons
Jan. 3rd, 2026 01:24 pmauthor_by_nightChallenge #2: Pets of Fandom
Loosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
I'm going to talk about pets as portrayed in fiction I have consumed from childhood to present.
I think that pets can play an interesting part in fiction. Let's take a look. I'm going to cover a few fictional pets I remember, from my childhood to more recent years. Obviously, this is a very short list; I'd be here forever otherwise.
I'm also going to try avoiding spoilers to the best of my ability.
Chance, Shadow and Sassy, Homeward Bound/The Incredible Journey: Two dogs and a cat. From what I remember, Chance is silly yet skittish, Shadow is wise, and Sassy is... in the name. But she's never mean, IIRC, and has a lot of empathy towards a lost little girl (likely reminding her of her own human).
(I rewatched the ending of Homeward Bound for this part, and now I'm sobbing. The things I do for you people.)
Miss Kitty Fantastico, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Willow and Tara's cat. I mostly remember that she dies offscreen, and her death is noted as accidentally being killed by a crossbow. Which is actually pretty brutal. I don't love when cats dying is treated as a minor inconvenience. (And it's always cats.)
Buttercup, The Hunger Games: Prim's cat, who Katniss hates and frequently mistreats, especially after a certain spoilery event. However, after a very long time, she does take slightly better care of Buttercup.
Awful through Buttercup is treated, I feel it's meant to show how hardened Katniss is. Also, as a hunter, I think all animals are food to her - she would never eat Buttercup, that would devastate Prim, but she doesn't see Buttercup as family, either.
Little Sebastian, Parks and Recreation: Apony mini horse. We actually only meet his handlers in a very short scene, but he's absolutely adored by most of Pawnee's residents. Save for Ben Wyatt. Even Ron and April get tickled over him. Ron and April.
(Oh God, guess what song's in my head now?)
A Fuckton of Cats, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Technically, no cats are ever purchased. But Rebecca briefly considers it in this song.
Points the song brings up include that cats sleep most of the time, which is true. However, they also claim they're not that friendly, and I have to disagree. Cats can be very friendly; they're just not friendly on command. That's what people don't like.
Song's hella catchy, though!
Louie, This Is Us: I can already feel the anger rising. Louie is initially beloved, but his main human, Kate, blames him for Jack's death. (That's not a spoiler, we learn that Jack's gone pretty early on in the show, although not how.) That actually really upset me on several levels, though it sadly makes sense. Still, I wish Rebecca had been in the headspace to find a temporary home for Louie, at least, while Kate worked through her feelings. But it's a drama, so. (And in Rebecca's defense, she was reeling from losing her husband. But still.
Karl, Our Flag Means Death: Karl is mostly Buttons's pet, but the rest of the crew respects him, more or less. His death is the last straw for Stede.
Nellie, Heartstopper: Nellie is Nick's dog, and absolutely a member of the family. Charlie takes to her quickly, too. Nellie is very much family.
Artie, Fisk: Helen's dog. He doesn't do much, but he's sweet. When he appears to have been taken, Helen is devastated, and works through her grief by relating it to the loss of a human.
So, there you go. Most cat portrayals I can recall are either negative, or potentially negative (with redemption). I think Sassy is the most positive. Dogs are portrayed with much more positivity, although how much the characters consider them family varies. Pet birds and horses are also beloved and seen as important, often family.
Something to note as well is the transition from pets in children's stories being used to help us connect with humanity, and pets existing as pets in stories for adults.
Loosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
I'm going to talk about pets as portrayed in fiction I have consumed from childhood to present.
I think that pets can play an interesting part in fiction. Let's take a look. I'm going to cover a few fictional pets I remember, from my childhood to more recent years. Obviously, this is a very short list; I'd be here forever otherwise.
I'm also going to try avoiding spoilers to the best of my ability.
Chance, Shadow and Sassy, Homeward Bound/The Incredible Journey: Two dogs and a cat. From what I remember, Chance is silly yet skittish, Shadow is wise, and Sassy is... in the name. But she's never mean, IIRC, and has a lot of empathy towards a lost little girl (likely reminding her of her own human).
(I rewatched the ending of Homeward Bound for this part, and now I'm sobbing. The things I do for you people.)
Miss Kitty Fantastico, Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Willow and Tara's cat. I mostly remember that she dies offscreen, and her death is noted as accidentally being killed by a crossbow. Which is actually pretty brutal. I don't love when cats dying is treated as a minor inconvenience. (And it's always cats.)
Buttercup, The Hunger Games: Prim's cat, who Katniss hates and frequently mistreats, especially after a certain spoilery event. However, after a very long time, she does take slightly better care of Buttercup.
Awful through Buttercup is treated, I feel it's meant to show how hardened Katniss is. Also, as a hunter, I think all animals are food to her - she would never eat Buttercup, that would devastate Prim, but she doesn't see Buttercup as family, either.
Little Sebastian, Parks and Recreation: A
(Oh God, guess what song's in my head now?)
A Fuckton of Cats, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Technically, no cats are ever purchased. But Rebecca briefly considers it in this song.
Points the song brings up include that cats sleep most of the time, which is true. However, they also claim they're not that friendly, and I have to disagree. Cats can be very friendly; they're just not friendly on command. That's what people don't like.
Song's hella catchy, though!
Louie, This Is Us: I can already feel the anger rising. Louie is initially beloved, but his main human, Kate, blames him for Jack's death. (That's not a spoiler, we learn that Jack's gone pretty early on in the show, although not how.) That actually really upset me on several levels, though it sadly makes sense. Still, I wish Rebecca had been in the headspace to find a temporary home for Louie, at least, while Kate worked through her feelings. But it's a drama, so. (And in Rebecca's defense, she was reeling from losing her husband. But still.
Karl, Our Flag Means Death: Karl is mostly Buttons's pet, but the rest of the crew respects him, more or less. His death is the last straw for Stede.
Nellie, Heartstopper: Nellie is Nick's dog, and absolutely a member of the family. Charlie takes to her quickly, too. Nellie is very much family.
Artie, Fisk: Helen's dog. He doesn't do much, but he's sweet. When he appears to have been taken, Helen is devastated, and works through her grief by relating it to the loss of a human.
So, there you go. Most cat portrayals I can recall are either negative, or potentially negative (with redemption). I think Sassy is the most positive. Dogs are portrayed with much more positivity, although how much the characters consider them family varies. Pet birds and horses are also beloved and seen as important, often family.
Something to note as well is the transition from pets in children's stories being used to help us connect with humanity, and pets existing as pets in stories for adults.
Snowflake Challenge #2
Jan. 3rd, 2026 05:08 pmpensnestChallenge #2: Pets of Fandom
Loosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
Well, this is fun!
As it's loosely defined as 'pets of fandom' I won't go into raptures about my first dog, strictly my family's first dog, but she was wonderful. She was half Rhodesian Ridgeback and half Red Setter, which may ring a faint bell for assiduous readers of my stories.
My first pet, strictly speaking, was my daughter's pet, but Bun was only nine when we got kitten Socks, and Socks ended up more my cat because, well, there I was, and unlike my Beast, I was happy to have her on my lap. Incidentally, Socks took the leading role in my podfic of Let The Cat Out Of The Bag, written by lizibabes and produced for the Pod_Together Challenge in 2013.
Socks lived to the grand age of 19, and then for a while we were petless, but after moving to a new city and having copious building work done, we adopted Princess Fluffykins and Sable, sisters, the former of whom was a very beautiful beige tabby, the latter a void. Sadly, we lost the Princess, who was too confident for her own good and used to cross the road to maraud in the park, and, well. Sable remains with us, a plush, soft little cat, barrel-shaped but mostly fur, with her own quirks. She is a knee cat, rather than a lap cat, and will nestle between Beast and me when we watch telly, or between my knees when I am on the sofa alone.
It was hard to decide which pet icon to use, as I have several, but the eventual choice is Socks.
*
My early days in fandom occasionally also featured a cat, as I was brought into fic fandom by Star Trek: The Next Generation, in which Data has one. There were at least three cats which starred as Spot. I attempted to explain their differing appearances in this story, Qualicative Assessment. And much later, I wrote An Odd State of Flux, set shortly after Data was kidnapped from the Enterprise by Kivas Fajo in The Most Toys. Spot helps him to recover. Rather fond of this one.
When I moved on to my beloved Popslash, however, it was generally about dogs. My sparkly dancing boys (Nsync, and a bit Backstreet Boys), canonically owned dogs. I'm grateful to them!
But there were others, and as I went through my index I found rather more unusual pets than I had initially remembered. Ferrets and dragons, for example. Oh, and this one, somewhere between a pet and a, hmm, baby: Justin Junior. In this story, there is a magical slash fairy godpiglet. (It's popslash, okay? Slash fairy godpiglets are entirely normal. I'm surprised there weren't more of them.) And a dog, too, eventually.
So, anyway, dogs.
In Cat Chris has an Entirely Canonical Dog (although this is an AU), and AJ seems to have acquired a cat.
My first Lance Bass/Adam Lambert story includes Lance's two Entirely Canonical Dogs. Bouquet.
In The Pussycat and Porcupine, JC acquires a cat, and Lance, two dogs. I'm sorry to have to report that nobody acquires an actual porcupine.
In The First Step Lance is walking his ECDs when he meets an unusual stranger, who knows them.
I wrote two versions of Wanna Tell Me About It? , but it is the revised (and much longer) version in which Lance and Adam get non-canonical dogs (eventually).
The dogs in Dragon Country are canon-based, but this is an AU. There is a scene of rape and violence in this story, so if you decide to read it, be warned.
And I think my final effort is Jamie, written for the final Make The Yuletide Gay challenge and featuring the adoption of a very cute little dog who was tenuously based in canon but not entirely. Pet adoption is a heartwarming thing to put in a Christmas gift story, yes? Happily for me, My Adored Lance spent quite a while advertising dogs on behalf of a pet shelter.
Loosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
Well, this is fun!
As it's loosely defined as 'pets of fandom' I won't go into raptures about my first dog, strictly my family's first dog, but she was wonderful. She was half Rhodesian Ridgeback and half Red Setter, which may ring a faint bell for assiduous readers of my stories.
My first pet, strictly speaking, was my daughter's pet, but Bun was only nine when we got kitten Socks, and Socks ended up more my cat because, well, there I was, and unlike my Beast, I was happy to have her on my lap. Incidentally, Socks took the leading role in my podfic of Let The Cat Out Of The Bag, written by lizibabes and produced for the Pod_Together Challenge in 2013.
Socks lived to the grand age of 19, and then for a while we were petless, but after moving to a new city and having copious building work done, we adopted Princess Fluffykins and Sable, sisters, the former of whom was a very beautiful beige tabby, the latter a void. Sadly, we lost the Princess, who was too confident for her own good and used to cross the road to maraud in the park, and, well. Sable remains with us, a plush, soft little cat, barrel-shaped but mostly fur, with her own quirks. She is a knee cat, rather than a lap cat, and will nestle between Beast and me when we watch telly, or between my knees when I am on the sofa alone.
It was hard to decide which pet icon to use, as I have several, but the eventual choice is Socks.
*
My early days in fandom occasionally also featured a cat, as I was brought into fic fandom by Star Trek: The Next Generation, in which Data has one. There were at least three cats which starred as Spot. I attempted to explain their differing appearances in this story, Qualicative Assessment. And much later, I wrote An Odd State of Flux, set shortly after Data was kidnapped from the Enterprise by Kivas Fajo in The Most Toys. Spot helps him to recover. Rather fond of this one.
When I moved on to my beloved Popslash, however, it was generally about dogs. My sparkly dancing boys (Nsync, and a bit Backstreet Boys), canonically owned dogs. I'm grateful to them!
But there were others, and as I went through my index I found rather more unusual pets than I had initially remembered. Ferrets and dragons, for example. Oh, and this one, somewhere between a pet and a, hmm, baby: Justin Junior. In this story, there is a magical slash fairy godpiglet. (It's popslash, okay? Slash fairy godpiglets are entirely normal. I'm surprised there weren't more of them.) And a dog, too, eventually.
So, anyway, dogs.
In Cat Chris has an Entirely Canonical Dog (although this is an AU), and AJ seems to have acquired a cat.
My first Lance Bass/Adam Lambert story includes Lance's two Entirely Canonical Dogs. Bouquet.
In The Pussycat and Porcupine, JC acquires a cat, and Lance, two dogs. I'm sorry to have to report that nobody acquires an actual porcupine.
In The First Step Lance is walking his ECDs when he meets an unusual stranger, who knows them.
I wrote two versions of Wanna Tell Me About It? , but it is the revised (and much longer) version in which Lance and Adam get non-canonical dogs (eventually).
The dogs in Dragon Country are canon-based, but this is an AU. There is a scene of rape and violence in this story, so if you decide to read it, be warned.
And I think my final effort is Jamie, written for the final Make The Yuletide Gay challenge and featuring the adoption of a very cute little dog who was tenuously based in canon but not entirely. Pet adoption is a heartwarming thing to put in a Christmas gift story, yes? Happily for me, My Adored Lance spent quite a while advertising dogs on behalf of a pet shelter.
Snowflake Challenge 2
Jan. 3rd, 2026 04:41 pmkaliumLoosely defined! Post about your pets, pets from your canon, anything you want!
HOW DARE YOU. I walk in here, say I'm NOT going to talk about fandom because I feel like a square peg, and then here comes this question that I can't not answer without talking about one of the few things I have that you could maybe call a fandom!
I joke, I joke. Because face it, I was always going to bring up Petz:
I'll always be a Petz player, even if I drift in and out of the community. Petz was one of the first things that got me online, got me into art, creature design, coding, all sorts of things. I guess it is a fandom but it doesn't call itself one, and it doesn't feel like one in the usual sense. It's just a thing that has remained constant and present while other communities grow and die. I'll always come back to this little sim game and everything around it.
My Petz pages - if you're into old internet stuff, too, the PC is one of the best windows you'll find into what it was like. Even now, people regularly showcase their creations on websites rather than social media. I have some breedfiles there, and some history notes on the series.
I'm not sure any of the roleplays/creature design spaces etc I used to be involved in would count as pets, though, although I've always had a fondness for the bond creature trope and I use it a lot in my own fiction. There was a lot of virtual pet and animal companion media around at the time that ended up as an influence and inspiration.
HOW DARE YOU. I walk in here, say I'm NOT going to talk about fandom because I feel like a square peg, and then here comes this question that I can't not answer without talking about one of the few things I have that you could maybe call a fandom!
I joke, I joke. Because face it, I was always going to bring up Petz:
I'll always be a Petz player, even if I drift in and out of the community. Petz was one of the first things that got me online, got me into art, creature design, coding, all sorts of things. I guess it is a fandom but it doesn't call itself one, and it doesn't feel like one in the usual sense. It's just a thing that has remained constant and present while other communities grow and die. I'll always come back to this little sim game and everything around it.
My Petz pages - if you're into old internet stuff, too, the PC is one of the best windows you'll find into what it was like. Even now, people regularly showcase their creations on websites rather than social media. I have some breedfiles there, and some history notes on the series.
I'm not sure any of the roleplays/creature design spaces etc I used to be involved in would count as pets, though, although I've always had a fondness for the bond creature trope and I use it a lot in my own fiction. There was a lot of virtual pet and animal companion media around at the time that ended up as an influence and inspiration.