for a dream's sake

One of the things I want to work on this year is unmasking. In general, but especially with my family. This tumblr post has some ways to start.

I thought I was starting today, actually, but while I expressed my emotions honestly, my family are not emotionally safe for me to be that vulnerable around, which is why I have been masking around them in the first place... today was hard because I'm grappling with the fact that these people who claim to love me and have affection for me, want me to stay quiet when someone in the family hurts me. They'll make excuses for the person who hurt me because they think it's okay for me to be hurt. When I love someone, I don't want them hurt. So I don't believe this is love, I don't understand this so-called familial love. Seems cultish to me.

It's in moments of realisation like these, when I brush against my family and leave with a bleeding gash, that I feel lonely despite having met friends very recently.

Unmasking has to go hand in hand with protecting myself and setting strong boundaries. Being 'radically visible' when it's not safe for you to be really seen by these people? Needs more thought.

This is giving me more ideas for why I am so parasocially fascinated by Yunho, the idol who does not want to be seen to feel safe. Maybe he reminds me of what I do on a daily basis to feel safe around my family. He's very performative and I don't have the energy for that, so I'm very avoidant.

I wonder if Yunho is lonely. Whether he ever wants to be honest and vulnerable. Maybe safety comes first for him.